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Uncertain Moments

A week ago I started writing what I think was supposed to be a post, a post about how I was feeling; but my pen, a new pen, didn’t want to write, so I stopped. This is what I had managed to get down on paper before the ink ceased to flow:

A puzzling shift in spirits today; or perhaps not all that puzzling, if I’m being honest (which I’m not). Yes­terday was, in the notebook at least, “Good friends, good food, and palm trees”, but I’m now feeling at a remove from my mood that day. Today, in the light of day, was also good: smiles in warm rain, pur­poseful walking; but this evening, in the words of Jarvis Cocker, some­thing changed.

Zhuhai is green, refresh­ingly wet, and warmly inviting […]

And that is where I stopped.

Where from there? I’m not sure.

Everyone, I’m certain, has moments of uncer­tainty; and most people, if not all, have dif­fi­culty knowing how to approach dealing with those moments. The fear, for me, is some­times isn’t a fear of the uncer­tainty itself, of the thing that is uncer­tain, but rather of into what that moment of uncer­tainty might evolve. An extended period of uncer­tainty? A lifetime of inaction. These are fright­ening thoughts, and thinking on them for too long is not a good idea.

But, think on them we must, surely, as at these times we’re uncer­tain of what to do, so what else can be done? Well, the altern­ative to the thinking, to the endless mulling, is just to do some­thing: to act.

This is the route I usually end up taking, and rarely, when in a moment, or period, of uncer­tainty, do I think logic­ally about the act enacted to catapult me into less foggy terrain, to propel me into clearer waters. Some­times actions illo­gical, or less than fully thought-​through, have excel­lent outcomes (I came to China, for example, after one random act based on very little actual thought), some­times less than excel­lent outcomes (I have hurt hearts and had my heart hurt, on occasion). But con­sequences aside (and who can really com­pletely control con­sequences), I am usually a strong pro­ponent of doing some­thing, whether rashly or oth­er­wise; and even of some­times delib­er­ately doing some­thing rashly, simply for the sake of putting yourself into a situ­ation out of your control, a situ­ation for which there are no plans, for it is very often here, in this place of unknown outcomes and unfore­seen chal­lenges, that we learn the most about living. (On a con­nected note, going back to wounded hearts, it is some­times only a rash, impulsive move than free one from a destructive situ­ation: rusty, unhealthy bonds require the sharpest of torque to loosen, and break.)

What does all that mean now, though? Well, not a great deal. Last week I was def­in­itely in an uncer­tain moment, and in the end was forced (or forced myself — it was a busy couple of days, and I forget, pre­cisely, how things unfolded) to act. And now, as I write this, I am in a cloud­less sky, albeit one where the sun is in my eyes. But learning to fly again is always an eye-​opening exper­i­ence, one I fre­quently find myself enjoying, so I am not worried.